Somewhere along the way…
Somewhere along the way, it just happened. I don’t know exactly when, but I realized one day that I’d stopped. But let’s start at the beginning.
Driving to work a couple of months ago, a song came on Spotify that I didn’t wanna hear. So I tapped to another channel. Same. Song. Turned the radio off. Drove in silence, a little irritated, because being a grown-up means mastering thoughts and feelings, right? How could I let an old song get to me? That’s beyond silly. I‘d worked hard on my emotion-shut-off-button, and I’m in control of when it’s off or on. That’s been my rule for several years. But refusing to let myself be vulnerable came with a high price. Because like you, I love deeply. Very deep, hard, forever and with everything in me. I show it with all my being, allowing only trusted family and friends in. Defending that hidden heart place became more and more exhausting. Protecting the vault around it made me weary and feel like a fake. It’s not who I am. I love with reckless abandon, and let all the feels out. That had to stop because it never ended well.
Does anyone else do this? Have that heavily guarded place inside? So we don’t get hurt?
I started to wonder if total self-preservation is sort of a myth. And a mistake. Love is mentioned 541 times in the Bible. Proverbs says to “guard your hearts.” To keep them from sin and evil, not to keep from loving others with our whole heart. And certainly not to harden our hearts, like I tried to do in some areas of my life. I started a “Free my heart”journal, and it feels great. I’m filling it with everything that touches me, good and bad, painful and happy. I don’t hold back and I don’t try to fool myself anymore. We’ll never be satisfied if we don’t feel free to love the way we were created to. It’s not about what others do to us it’s about where our hearts really are. All this from a song I didn’t wanna hear.
How important is it to let yourself be real with your feelings - even if it’s just with yourself?